The Tragic Story Of Lana's Parents (Who Are Dead)
by geraldine de vaux
Summary: and Other Tales. I was in a parody-ing mood and suddenly this story became a series. UPDATED
1. The Tragic Story of Lana's Parents (Who ...

This fic was inspired by the wonderful people over at the Smallville forum at TWoP (www.televisionwithoutpity.com). If you've never been there, I highly recommend it. Also, go to Tresca's amazing site-- http://www.geocities.com/yawkey104/lana.html Because it Never. Gets. Old.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
***The Tragic Story Of Lana's Parents (Who Are Dead)***  
  
  
Inside the Stately Luthor Manor. A Party.  
  
Lex walks over to Lana.  
  
Lex: Lana, you don't look like you're enjoying your party?  
  
Lana: Well, I didn't really want to make a fuss about it, but it made Nell happy, so...   
  
Lex: Well, as my father is fond of saying, 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.'  
  
Lana: (she looks down, mournfully) I guess, I just can't see the point in celebrating the day my parents were killed by the meteor...  
  
Lex: Your parents were killed by a meteor? Does Clark know about this? (Calls Clark over in an intensely not-smooth move to get the farmboy and the cheerleader together as a blind for the fact that he's shagging aforementioned farmboy into the ground every chance he gets.) Clark! Did you know that Lana's parents were killed in the big meteor shower twelve years ago?  
  
Clark: (guiltily) I'm so sorry, Lana, that must be awful for you.  
  
Chloe: (who followed Clark over like a puppy) What's awful?  
  
Clark: Lana's parents  
  
Pete: (who followed Chloe following Clark) What about Lana's parents? (Pete wanders off, having delivered his token line)  
  
Clark: They were smooshed by a meteor  
  
Chloe: Oh, no that's horrible!   
  
Pa Kent: What's horrible Chloe?  
  
Chloe: Oh, Clark was just telling me how Lana's parents got flattened into people pancakes by a meteor.  
  
MamaKent: (pursing her lips) Oh, Lana, I feel so sorry for you! Don't you have anything to remember them by? A memento of some kind?  
  
Clark: Like the building where they met?  
  
Chloe: Or a peice of the meteor that killed them!  
  
Clark: (muttering) I don't think that's very nice at all.  
  
Lionel Luthor: Meteor that killed who?  
  
Pa Kent: Like you care, you magnificent bastard! But, Lana's parents.  
  
Lionel: Lana's parents were killed by a meteor? When was this?  
  
Lex: The same time a meteor caused my total and complete baldness, causing you to treat me like a total freak, Dad.  
  
Clark: Lex! You're not a freak! The baldness makes you hot!  
  
Lex: (smirks) I know.  
  
Lionel: I'm disappointed in you, Lex.  
  
Lex: Why, are you blaming me for the death of Lana's parents, too?  
  
Chloe: Wait, Lana's pareant are dead?  
  
Clark: Yeah, Chloe, haven't you been paying attention?  
  
Chloe: Well, yeah, but it sounds so much hotter when Lex says it.  
  
Clark: (dreamily) I know...  
  
Lex smirks. Lionel glowers.  
  
Pa Kent: Can we get back to the astonishing fact that Lana's parents seem to be dead?  
  
MamaKent: No, not Lana's parents! And she looked so adorable in that fairy pwincess costume! How did it happen?  
  
Clark: (looks guilty) In the meteor shower, mom.  
  
Chloe: It's all because of the meteors!  
  
Principal Kwan: Chloe, what did I tell you about your meteor theory?   
  
Chloe: But Principal Kwan! They killed Lana's parents!  
  
Kwan: Lana's parents are dead? That poor girl... you'd never know it from the way she acts.  
  
Nasty Nell: She gets that stiff upper lip from her mom. Who's dead.   
  
Lionel: Nell, you should have given the girl some token to remember her parents by. Like a necklace made out of the meteor that killed them.  
  
Lana: Wait! (turns to Nell) What is the green stone on my favorite necklace? The one you gave me to commemorate my parents death?  
  
Nell: I'm sorry honey, but it's from the meteor that killed your parents.   
  
Lana: My parents are dead?  
  
End. 


	2. Small Parts

Poor, underused Pete. But, in recent news, he asked a Magic Eight Ball recently whether he'd have more character development (or lines, lines would be good) in upcoming episodes, and the answer came back, "Outlook good." We're all pulling for you, Pete.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
**Small Parts**  
  
Pete writes with a black marker. He lifts the small paper he was writing on and peels the back away and pastes it to his shirt. It is a "Hello My Name Is" sticker. He points to the sticker, which reads "Hello, My Name Is Pete Ross" then waves at the camera. He holds up four fingers.  
  
PETE  
I'm Clark's best friend.  
  
He folds one finger down. Three remain.  
  
PETE  
I hate Lex Luthor.  
  
He folds down a second finger. Two remain.  
  
PETE  
I "mack" with the ladies.  
  
He folds down a third finger. One remains--his middle finger.  
  
PETE   
I--hey!  
  
The camera cuts away from Pete sharply before he can get the sentence out.  
  
PETE (O.C.)  
Lemme go! Dammit! etc.  
  
End. 


	3. The Clothes Make the Man

Wherein Lex is excessively sexy and all his clothes, toys, and other material possessions are described in great detail and the populace lusts after him and his things.   
  
You can find Lex's car here: www.us.porche.com/english/911/turbo/default.htm  
  
Dedicated to PASTA (Persons Advocating to Stop Thesaurus Abuse)  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
**The Clothes Make the Man**  
  
The sound of a tuned engine of European construction alerted the denizens of the Talon that Lex Luthor had arrived. The Talon was quite full, since word had leaked out that the Beanery had health code violations, and the crowd looked as one to where Lex's meridian metallic 911 Turbo Porche with natural grey leather interior pulled up into its accustomed space immediately outside. By unspoken agreement, all residents of Smallville kept the best parking space for any building open for Lex to park in. Frozen in place by the Thrall of Luthor, the Talon patrons tried to look casual while still ogling their feudal baron. Lex exited his car with poise and walked fluidly and gracefully to the door of the Talon, pushing it open with a slender, manicured (yet calloused from fencing) hand.   
  
From her place at the counter Lana admired the way his knee-length jacket of the finest black wool swirled with the movement of his body. It was a garmet that would make most men seem pretentious and slightly feminine, but on Lex became menacing and sexy.   
  
Chloe, seated at a table with Clark and Pete, noticed that Lex was dressed in the LuthorCorp colors of royal purple and black, making them his own personal colors and imbuing them with an eminence and luster that made her decide to go shopping tomorrow for a new wardrobe.   
  
Clark, on the other hand, had long since noticed how Lex's chosen color palate emphasized his pale attractiveness, forcing the viewer to look at the clean curve of his skull that just begged to be petted and licked. Clark now concentrated on the way the princely silk shirt, tucked in, and the perfectly tailored slacks that were buckled by an unassuming leather belt drew the eye to the roll of Lex's slim hips as he walked and, Clark knew from much experience, the firm curve of Lex's buttocks.  
  
Unlike his friends, Pete did not admire Lex Luthor. He instead glared at the billionaire in hatred, unable to decide what about the man he dispised more, the smirk that curved Lex's smooth lips, the arc of which was broken only by the assymetrical white scar that was like a secret between Lex and the viewer, a small imperfection that only increased the sense that Lex was somewhat better than human, or the finely-crafted Italian leather loafers, which cost more than the combined assets of every man, woman, child and krypto-mutant in Smallville.  
  
By this time, Lex had made his way to their table. "Hey Clark," he said, his voice as smooth as the honey made by Sasha's swarm. He acknowledged Chloe and Pete with an elegant nod of his head, making Chloe blush and Pete scowl.  
  
Clark grinned hugely, his perfect white teeth gleaming. "Hey Lex, what's up?" He really liked Lex and knew that his friend was often lonely up in the big castle that Lionel had shipped over from Scotland stone by stone, with only the staff for company--though sometimes it just made things easier, more private, just Lex and Clark and the staff.  
  
"Just thought I'd stop by, check on my investment," he said, with irony that abashed Lana (who had put all orders on hold and left the counter--not that anyone minded if their coffee was a bit late, because, well, Lex Luthor) as she remembered the comments she had made to him just the week before.   
  
"We've been bustling!" Lana piped up.  
  
Lex stopped trading glances with Clark to look at Lana, narrowing his eyes in confusion. "Did you say something, Lana?"  
  
"I said, 'We've been bustling!'" Lana said, again.  
  
"What?" Lex said. "Why are you whispering?"  
  
"I said, 'WE'VE BEEN BUSTLING!'" Lana yelled.  
  
"Wha--oh, nevermind, it's not like I care." Lex pulled up the cuff on his well cut jacket and looked at the Napoleon franc face of his handsome gold and silver watch. The high-carat metal caught the light and the eye of Whitney, who was sitting in the corner with his football friends. Whitney was suddenly jealous that Amy had gotten to touch that watch, and made a mental note to go through the stock at the store to see if he could find something like it.  
  
Lex saw that it was, totally conicidentally, almost time for Clark to head home for dinner. "Clark, do you want a ride home?"   
  
Clark looked at the Talon clock and saw that it was, indeed, just about that time. "Sure, Lex, thanks," he said with a smile. He dropped his eyes and looked at Lex from under his eyelashes. "I'd love a ride."  
  
"Ohhhhh-kaayyy," Lex breathed out. "Let's go. Now."  
  
Clark gathered his bag quickly. "Can I drive?" he asked.   
  
"Clark, I still haven't recovered from the demise of my last Porche and you want me to hand the keys over to a fifteen-year old who only has a license so he can drive a *tractor*?"  
  
Clark shrugged. "Whatever. Bye guys," he said to Pete and Chloe. "C'mon, Lex, you know you want to let me," Clark teased as they left.   
  
Lex sighed dramatically as they stepped out into the sunlight. "Oh all right." Then the door shut, and the next thing the Talon patrons heard was the Porche's engine being enthusiastically revved before the car shot away.  
  
End. 


End file.
